Possum Lodge Provincial Park/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, every once in a while I like to do a little feature for people who are maybe a little less fortunate than the rest of us. For example, pumpkin carving is a lot of fun, but what if you're one of those guys who's not allowed to have sharp objects? Well, here's what you do... First, I take this glue stick, see? Then I just draw a scary face right onto the pumpkin. No harm there, just keep the glue away from your face and don't inhale. There we go. Okay, now you just empty a few shotgun shells to make a harmless little pile of gunpowder. Now all you do is roll old pumpkin head face down into the gunpowder. And you'll find it only sticks where you put the glue. Okay, now all's you have to do is the carving. You may not wanna stand too close for this part unless you're real tired of your facial hair. [ laughter and applause ] [ ♪♪♪ ] [ cheers and applause ] all right. No, I appreciate that. You know, we had a lot of people drop by the lodge this week. I was kinda hoping they may stay over a night or two, but they were just stopping to ask for directions to the new provincial park up at port asbestos. So they're jammed to the eyeballs and we got nobody! Boy, it's frustrating when the government uses your own money to compete with you. Makes me feel a lot better about not paying my taxes, I'll tell ya! Uncle red! Yeah? [ cheers and applause ] I got a question. What's the exact wording on your birth certificate? "male." what is it on yours? No, I mean, is this how you spell your full name? Like that? I dunno. I've never written it. What is that anyway? This? Oh, it's nothing. Just a little crazy idea I had. Do you just mind signing the bottom? This isn't an application to turn the lodge into a chess club or something, is it? Haha! No! Provincial park. Yeah, the one in port asbestos is working so well the government is looking to open one in our area maybe. Really? Well, we'd be perfect as a provincial park, harold. I mean, we're in a province and... We got places to park. Yup! They may wanna make a few changes, like tear down the lodge and run the lake water through a sewage treatment facility, but that's about all, I would think. Tear down the lodge?! I'm not letting them do anything to the lodge. They've allocated $15 million for the project! Well, go, go, go! I know! It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner will receive a free coupon for a free wash, wax, buff, shine and lube job from the possum lake fitness club. Okay, now, mr. Green -- cover your ears. You've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, okay, mike. And... Go! All right, dalton, this is easy. Okay, if you don't understand what someone is saying, you tell them to speak... English. Okay, okay, when you're playing baseball, eh, somebody will yell, "you're..." out. No, I mean this is your turn at bat, eh. So what do your teammates say? "oh no"? Okay, okay... Dalton, the very first thing you did this morning was to get... Yelled at by ann marie. Yeah, but after that you got... The heck outta the house. Go another way with it. What's the opposite of being down? Being single. You're almost outta time, mr. Green. Okay, you hear that, dalton? Time's almost... Almost... Gone! Time's almost gone, red! Hurry up! Welcome to the experts portion of the show. This is where we address those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! Yes, you do, coz that was them! Okay, today's letter goes as follows... "dear experts..." lalala. "dear experts, now that I'm older, I've noticed "that certain parts of my body don't function as well as they used to." oh for god -- "my wife says there's no shame in seeking medical assistance, "but I want your advice. "should I get a hearing aid?" signed phil. It's okay, he just wants to get a hearing aid. Does that help? For his ears, dalton! What?! All right, yeah, sure, you can get a hearing aid if you wanted to, but if you're a middle aged guy, you know, like, how much are you really missing? What do you mean? Well, I mean, at our age nobody comes up and says stuff like, wow, nice abs. Or, where'd you learn to play guitar like that? Or, uh, what do you think about anything? Yeah, yeah, I agree with red. I recommend something called selective hearing. Only hear what you wanna hear. That's a great theory. It's a terrible theory! Thanks, red. Phil, phil, get a hearing aid! It's important to communicate your emotions and thoughts with your loved ones. You gotta stay in the loop. That's what the hangman used to say. Okay, look, I know you're both just kidding around, but I hope you do get hearing aids if the time comes. Well, I think if my hearing goes I may get a hearing aid, but, harold, if you go I will definitely get one. You know, there's been a lot of great inventions over the last 100 years... Splitting of the atom, polio vaccine, but the greatest one has to be the drive-thru restaurant. Man, if I coulda told my great-grandfather that the day would come where they could stuff a hot meal into a paper bag and toss it through your car window, he would just shake his head. But I'm thinking maybe it's time to take it to the next level. Instead of a drive-thru restaurant, where you have to go to where the food is -- which can be humiliating if you're, say, on foot, or worse still, riding a bicycle, I suggest a drive-to restaurant, where the food actually drives to where you are. And I'm not just talking about plain old delivery where all you get is soggy fries and lukewarm attitude. I mean an actual kitchen on wheels. It's a million-dollar idea that you can make out of a $40 car. And since we're talking take-out, we gotta start by taking out a few things. Like these seats. Now, if you end up using a luxury vehicle with the heated cushions, you might think about keeping 'em, make great bun warmers. Okay, now that the seats are gone, the only other thing I have to lose is the roof, if you don't count my credibility, and I'm sure you don't. Okay, just gotta get this outta the wind here. Okay... Not sure what happened there. Must've blacked out. The roof is missing. Oh there it is. Okay, now the next step is to install our grill here. It only makes sense to be cookin' our burgers on a barbecue, but we're gonna actually tie it into the fuel line of the car. hissing not gonna need this propane tank. Looked empty. Okay, the barbecue's gonna take care of the burgers and hotdogs, but for the french-fries I need something that'll hold a lot more grease. And I don't mean harold's comb. How about the tank from an old oil furnace, huh? And the beauty of these babies is, the longer she's been here, the easier it is to detach. Okay, now, for your french fries you really wanna have those pre-cut before you hit the road. You could slice 'em by hand, but for a job this big, I prefer something a little faster, like, say, a wood chipper. Now we're cookin' huh? I cycled engine oil through the fryer, so the same oil that keeps the engine cool keeps the fryer hot. I'll tell ya something, if you want those golden fries everybody loves, 10w-30. I've even got these fryer baskets, which you can get at any grocery store. Attention, shoppers, your fries are ready. Meanwhile, up front, my burgers are piping hot and perfectly broiled, all ready for our prep station. And while you're at it, why not fill the car radiator with hot coffee and then hook it up to a tap mounted right here on the dashboard, huh? Oh yeah. Okay, I think I may have answered my own question there. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a hungry town to feed. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] you know, most men are a little vague about when exactly middle age begins. Got nothin' to do with your chronological age. Doesn't matter if your hair's gone grey, gone white, or gone awol. You have officially arrived at midlife when the most important aspect of any activity is comfort. Excitement, adventure, even finances, all take a back seat to comfort. You don't care about physical fitness, you want heating and air conditioning. You want padding. On your furniture, on your paycheck, on your own butt. Even your love life is affected. Forget passion. You're ready to be in a comfortable relationship. You know, where nobody yells at anybody, where nothing changes, and nine times outta ten, you fall asleep before your wife does. Your wild oats have turned into wild oat bran. And as midlife progresses, you may eventually get to the point, where you're even comfortable with yourself. Now, some people call that giving up, I call it true success. If you can stand in front of a mirror, a wife or a banker, and say, hey, this is as good as I get, that's gotta be a comforting thought. For you, not for them. Remember, I'm pullin' for ya; we're all in this together. [ applause ] chow lee's kung pao chicken with peanuts; mexican chili crust quiche with chorizo sausage; indian bengali red dal curry; moroccon noodles with cumin; vietnamese pepper casserole; turkish eggplant goulash with curded goat cheese; argentinean marinated aardvark... And more. If this is what you're eating, we need to take a meeting. Well, we heard back from the government on our provincial park application. They're gonna send an inspector in three days to have a look at the place. Actually, the whole town is pretty darned supportive. Soon as they heard that we may tear the lodge down, boy, they're all for it! Hey, red, you wanted to see us? Yeah, I need you to go out there and just clean up the property around the lodge before the inspector gets here. Okay, we'll just throw all the junk in the lake then. No... Don't throw all of it in, coz if the water gets up too high the boats'll sink. Right. Okay. Uh, what are these inspectors gonna look at? I mean, will they be inspecting our persons? I dunno. Let's go. Let's go. Okay, well, uh -- what about the, uh, those holes that look like something has just been buried recently? I'm just asking. It's not a scavenger hunt, mike, okay?! They're gonna look at the buildings, the property and the lake, okay? C'mon, mike. Away you go. Okay, um, um, will they, uh, be, uh, checking the vehicles? Well, they may. If you've got something in your vehicle, maybe you should just stash it somewhere for a while. Oh, yeah, I did. Okay. Great. Great. I put it in the back of your van. Uncle red, we've got a bit of a wrinkle. What? Yeah, the guy from the government says they only approve places where families go and this is a bit of a men's lodge. Okay, here's what we do, okay... The town is behind us, okay. Yes. So you tell all the women and the children to be here on inspection day. You're okay with that? Yeah... Tell 'em not to touch anything. They won't wanna touch anything, don't worry. Red: Dalton and the guys are putting on a charity car wash there, and my car was -- well, it wasn't really filthy, had a little dust on her, and I thought I might as well support a local charity. They never set the price on these, so whatever you give 'em, they're usually thankful. I figured a loonie'd probably be grateful for that. Dalton calls everybody off, saying apparently the loonie didn't qualify for the full treatment. That's apparently all I got, so... So I figured I better take her up a notch or two and this would be my annual giving here, a canadian 20, it's an american one or two, I believe. So away they go, and walter's soaping her up and winston's got the vacuum cleaner, and there was some stuff in there, just a -- gonna fill that baby up pretty fast, I think. I don't really clean the car as often as I should. Oh, there's -- they need a little more water pressure, so dalton's saying to me would I -- I had never actually seen the type of valve they were using. Anyway, I just pulled her back, and there's a lot of pressure in there. And then of course you have the handle come right off, now the hose is -- a hose can dance on you! It starts banging on the door and winston thinks somebody is knocking for him, so he's gettin' the inside of her, and the vacuum is really taking -- it's getting a little bigger I notice. Taking up a fair bit of stuff. Now it's time to do the rinsing, so dalton aims -- something went wrong with the nozzle, she -- shootin' kinda to a 90 degree to the right there, kinda like the alliance party, and so walter gets the idea if he stands here and dalton aims at him, it'll go sideways and it'll rinse off the car. And dalton is hesitant to do it, but walter is insisting. He finally understands. But apparently it had -- whatever it was has cleared itself out, so... Later that day, winston pretty much had her folded by now -- the vacuum cleaner, we're really straining the limits of that particular unit. She's gettin' to be a real good size. And I'd had enough. And so I thought I'd just rinse off -- rinse off the car on my own, and while I was rinsing off the car, there's always time for a little bit of fun. Heheheheh, oh, that's good. So I got the soap off of there, so I said thank you very much, that's 20 bucks worth. I'm happy. Just get winston outta there. Winston, just clear out. Out you go, way you go, way you go, way you. Oh boy, that baby's -- I didn't realise that the door slam would -- okay, didn't gain that much, did I? Man! Coffee all over me! And you know why? Coz of the coffee cupholder. It can't adapt to the irregularities of my driving pattern, so every time I swerve, I'm hangin' 10 in a wave of caffeine. I suppose I could wait until the automotive engineers come up with a solution. But you can probably tell by looking at me that I don't have that kind of patience or time. So instead, allow me to present, the red green dynamic gimble-mounted spill-proof coffee cupholder. It's a simple design, really. I just attached a bicycle pedal to the steering wheel -- that makes a flexible mount. The cupholder itself is a roll of the handyman's secret weapon, and then the counterweight for the unit is a small trophy that I won at a yard sale for being the first one to offer them a quarter. Now, no matter which way I turn the wheel, the cup stays level. Is that brilliant or what, huh? You know, sometimes I think I'm just wasting my time here. Well, I'm wasting somebody's time. Call the doctor if you're not feeling well, call the plastic surgeon if your face just fell, call quasimodo when you wanna ring your bell, but call rothschild sewage if there's a horrible, mind-numbing smell. Well, our hopes of turning possum lodge into a provincial park had a bit of a setback. The inspector shows up today, two days early. All the women are at work, and all the kids are in school. So all we got is men here, and that's not gonna work. Luckily, we've got the imagination to come up with an emergency plan. [ laughter and applause ] so, uh... How'd that go? Oh, fine. Well, what did he say? Not much. He asked harold out. What?! Yeah! Tonight for dinner and a movie. You weren't leading him on, I hope, harold. You want the contract, don't ya? What am I gonna do, uncle red? What if he gets fresh with me? Okay, you guys wait right here, okay. I got an idea. You're not upset that he asked me out, are ya? No! Not at all. I'm happy for you. Thank you. Thank you! He is kinda cute in a rugged way. You know, he's not my type. Really? I am guessing: Hairy back. Oh, oh! Okay, harold, I got it all figured out. You are still gonna go on the date, but you're gonna take your son. Son? There you go! [ laughter and applause ] [ horn honking ] there he is, you guys, so away you go. And have a good time, okay? Can I play video games at the restaurant? We'll see. Don't slouch. I'm not! Don't slouch! Owww! Just get in the car. I hate you! I hate you! [ cheers and applause ] [ possum squealing ] meeting time, red. Yeah, you go ahead, uh, dalton. Okay, uh, if my wife is watching, and I really hope you're not... Um, got a bit of a surprise for you, harold is finally going out on a date. That's gotta be good news, right? And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and haroldine and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] come on, sit down, sit down. Come on everybody, let's go. Meeting's coming to order. Everybody sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Did we get the provincial park? No! And I'm through with men. Did you get his number? I got his wallet.